Saturday, July 11, 2009

It knows I have two blogs

One is about my bipolar disorder, which I often misspell.

I awoke with a hangover, a far cry from the morning before, awaking at six, after a night of minimal drinking. Energized with caffeine but teary sad. No suicide though. The comforting, or maybe just obvious thing is that I am still alive, meaning that I haven't yet succeeded in the deed.

Today I came up with the metaphor of a man lost at sea, consistently following a compass heading, hoping I will sight land soon, but knowing that until then, I am on the verge of foundering.

Liz, (spouse) is at a funeral for an acquaintance's son, who was struck by a car quite accidentally. Then she is committed to helping a friend for the afternoon. This was a surprise so I am left alone to fend for myself. I am alone all week so this is quite a letdown.

I should call a friend or acquaintance and hike or something. Instead I am wasting away the day brooding. Plan and backup plan.

I started some self-analysis by listing mental states, such as dread, regret, etc. then identifying them as past, present, future. This has expanded to things such as hangover (present but to be avoided in the future). It is somewhat therapeutic as I can read it later and remind myself of the fleeting reality of the past and future.

Hope this helps.

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